Before Reconciliation

Holding Vision and Boundaries in Polarized Times

Photo by Alex Padurariu on Unsplash

“There will be a time when we have to come together and heal as a family… But right now, we have to get everyone to safety.”

—Rev. Dr. David Alexander

Recently, I read a beautiful letter by Scott Grace titled Dear Trump Supporters. Perhaps you’ve seen it circulating online. It was tender, gracious, and open-hearted—a call to listen across the divide without judgment. It reminded me that we will need a manual for what comes next. This post is, as I understand it, a chapter of his upcoming book, Beyond Red and Blue: Staying Human in Divided Times. It promises to be a valuable contribution to the guide book of our future. Here’s a excerpt:

Dear Trump Supporters,

I want to begin with something that doesn’t get said enough these days:

Thank you for caring about your country.

I may not see the world through the same lens as you—but I see your love of freedom, your concern for your family’s future, and your desire for leaders who speak to your pain and frustration… and are finally doing something about it.

I want to be honest.

There have been times when I’ve been afraid of you.

When I’ve judged you.

When I’ve put you in a box labeled “Them.”

I’m sorry for that.

Fear made me see you as the enemy.

Fear made me forget your humanity.

[Read the full post here.]

Beautiful. Compassionate. And yet, as I reflected on his words, I found myself both moved and cautious. Because if we are going to emerge from this chapter of American life with our humanity intact, we must cultivate a new kind of courage:

Not the courage to fight, but the courage to face one another, with compassion, yes, but also with clarity.

I agree with Scott: reconciliation is sacred work. But I also know, from spiritual practice and lived experience, that reconciliation work is also hard work. It’s not possible, at least not authentically, without first acknowledging the pain caused and the harm still unfolding.

Let me be clear: I’m not against the work of listening across political divides. In fact, I once signed up with an organization that pairs people for exactly that kind of dialogue over coffee. (No calls yet—but I’m still open. Still hopeful. Still preparing.)

If that idea speaks to you, you might want to check out the Coffee & Courage Challenge from Meet the People United—a grassroots effort to foster real conversations between people with differing political beliefs.

But I also know we are not quite there yet, not all the way.

As I wrote in a previous Substack post:

“There will be a time when we have to come together and heal as a family—it will be a tender time to give grace and compassion to those neighbors, friends, family members and fellow church members who did not vote the way we did, did not speak up, and did not—in our view and judgement ‘come to their senses’ nearly soon enough. There will be a time to heal that pain. But right now, we have to get everyone to safety.”

The Hard Truth About Reconciliation Work

Reconciliation is holy work. But it is also hard work.

It cannot be rushed. It cannot be faked. And it cannot happen if we skip over the most difficult part: the acknowledgment of pain caused and pain felt.

There is real harm that has been done. Harm that continues.

And as people of faith (some of my readers are new thought adherents, some are not), as people seeking Liberation for all, we do not turn away from truth.

We know healing is possible.

We affirm that transformation is real.

We believe that a world that works for everyone is not only possible—it is ours to co-create.

But we also recognize spiritual bypass when we see it.

My concern is that this wave of feel-good “let’s just talk” messaging could become a kind of comfort gospel, one that allows people to feel better without doing the actual work to be better. One that gaslights those who are still bleeding by insisting that we’ve already moved on to healing. Keep a watchful eye out for anyone who attempts to redirect a conversation about the harm done by this administration with the old “Stop being combative, we just need to respect each other and where we are coming from” trope. No. First we need to acknowledge harm done.

We all deep down want to believe in a better future and getting beyond the divide that pains us. Yet here is what deep down we also know:

You don’t do deep reconciliation work while the house is still on fire.

Friends, the house is still on fire.

Let me put it this way that comes from my Family Studies and social work background: It is true that everyone in an abusive household is redeemable; the children, the enabling spouse, and yes, even the drinker.

But before healing can begin, you have to get to safety. You have to acknowledge the harm, establish boundaries, and deal with the root causes and not just skip ahead to the group hug.

And in this current moment in America?

The alcoholic still has the keys to the liquor cabinet.

So yes, we hold the vision of a healed and whole society.

Yes, we prepare our hearts for the time when listening, dialogue, and reconciliation are appropriate and effective.

All sides, participants and bystanders have the potential for healing and transformation. No one is left out, if we work tougher with compassion and courage.

But first, someone has to lock the liquor cabinet.

Someone has to get the children out of the house.

Someone has to tell the truth about what’s been happening behind closed doors.

Right now in America, the alcoholic still has the keys.

So Where Do We Begin?

We begin with honesty.

With courage.

With discernment.

We begin by making sure everyone is safe.

We begin by confronting the harm and naming it out loud.

We begin by refusing to let kindness be weaponized against justice.

And then—and only then—we can begin the hard, holy work of healing.

So yes, let us talk.

Let us listen.

Let us dare to stay human in divided times.

But let’s not confuse politeness for peace.

Let’s not choose harmony over healing.

Let’s not build bridges over fault lines that haven’t been repaired.

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Coming Soon:

Part 2 – “The Ghosts in the Room: Reckoning with Race, Power, and America’s Half-Finished Peace”

In Part 2, we’ll go deeper into the racial roots of our political divide, how spiritual bypass keeps us stuck, and what true collective liberation demands. We’ll look at what it means to stay human without losing our memory, our boundaries, or our vision for justice.

Until then, check out the Coffee & Courage Challenge if you feel ready to sit down with someone across the divide.

But don’t forget:

Real love tells the truth.

And real Liberation begins here.

This work is made possible due to my generous supporters and subscribers - I am committed to equity and inclusion and will always make this work available for free - AND If you’d like to further support my work beyond subscribing here are some fun ways:

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Rev. David Alexander D.D. is the spiritual director of the of Spiritual Living Center of Atlanta, author of Freedom from Discord: The Promise of New Thought Liberation Theology and Recovery from the Lie of Whiteness. David writes a monthly column, Philosophy In Action in Science of Mind Magazine.