“We must challenge the notions of masculinity that equate manhood with the ability to exert power over others.” — bell hooks
Father’s Day arrives wrapped in nostalgia and contradiction. It evokes celebration, grief, longing, and memory. And for many, it calls forth questions—unspoken, overdue—about what it means to be a man, and how we’ve gotten that story so very wrong.
Because let’s be honest: America has a manhood problem.
Not because boys are weak. Not because men have lost their grit. But because somewhere along the way, we confused power for presence, and control for character. We began rewarding men not for who they are, but for how loudly they dominate.
From the chest-thumping of politicians who mistake cruelty for strength, to the dark corners of the internet where fragile egos preach domination as virtue, we are witnessing the unraveling of a myth: that manhood is power over. That to be a man is to be in control—of women, of children, of narrative, of nation.
And this isn’t just a cultural problem. It’s a spiritual one.
The Gospel of Machismo
Columnist Chandler Epp critiques what he calls the Christian masculinity movement—a cultural phenomenon where evangelical ideals and toxic secular norms fuse into a gospel of macho. In this worldview, “real men” are physically dominant, emotionally stoic, and spiritually aggressive. They conquer hills, grill steaks, shoot guns, and never cry. And if they do cry, they better be winning a war or losing a game. (source)
It’s the world of Wild at Heart, The Dude’s Guide to Manliness, and men’s ministries outfitted more like military barracks than communities of spiritual depth. It’s not just unhealthy, it’s toxic and dangerous. And worse, it leaves countless men, especially sensitive, artistic, queer, or emotionally intuitive men, feeling exiled from their own identity.
And just to be clear: it’s not working for the men who are seemingly succeeding on the outside with this image either. The cost of performing this shallow version of manhood is spiritual hollowness—and in some cases, dangerous delusion. Today’s “manosphere” doesn’t just shape identity, it scripts an entire performance: grown men cosplaying as patriots in tactical gear, marching in parades of faux valor with names like “Proud Boys” or “Patriot Front”—boy scouts with beards and body armor, draped in flags, hiding behind masks. It’s a costume party for the emotionally stunted, but the consequences are real.
These aren’t harmless displays of male bonding. They’re attempts to resurrect a myth of power-through-dominance that too often ends in violence, toward others, and toward the self. When masculinity becomes performance instead of presence, we lose not only ourselves, but the world we’re meant to serve.
Epp writes, “When Christians casually throw around loaded terms like ‘real masculinity’ in ways that reinforce, rather than rebut, secular formulas, we oversimplify a nuanced concept best expressed through eternal values, not earthly ambitions.”
The Crisis of American Masculinity
bell hooks called it out decades ago. In her writing, she identified how patriarchal culture wounds men by severing them from their emotional lives and defining them by conquest. A man’s worth, she wrote, is too often measured not by how deeply he loves, but by how successfully he dominates the world around him.
This distortion is everywhere. We see it in the “manosphere” of social media influencers whose language is all about “winning,” “taking back control,” and “alpha male energy.” We see it in the performative aggression of this administration, where bullying is sold as leadership, where temper tantrums turn into tariffs and “tough guy” language replaces diplomacy.
This year Trump wants a brute force military style parade on the 250 anniversary of the armed forces with coincides with his birthday. It’s a costly birthday present, estimated at over 30 million, tearing up the streets of Washington with heavy equipment and crossing a line we’ve refused to cross in that 250 years; serving the imperial image of strength rather than the spirit of service.
And we also see it in our homes, where too many boys are told to “man up,” meaning: feel less, cry never, and never, ever ask for help. In our pulpits and pews, in our homes and headlines, we’ve glorified a myth of manhood that is more Greek warrior than Galilean healer. It’s a masculinity centered on brute strength, domination, and isolation, and its out of control.
This Father’s Day, we must confront this distortion, not to shame men, but to liberate them.
From Myth to Man: Reimagining Strength
What if we honored the strength it takes to listen? To apologize? To stay in the discomfort of vulnerability?
Jesus, arguably the most famous man in Christian history, didn’t ride into power on a warhorse—he rode a donkey. He didn’t climb the ladder of Roman success—he overturned the tables. And when faced with the ultimate expression of imperial masculinity—state-sanctioned violence—he refused to return it in kind.
True masculinity is not threatened by tenderness. It is not measured by aggression. It is measured by a man’s capacity to be accountable, emotionally available, spiritually grounded, and willing to evolve.
True strength is not domination. It is devotion.
Devotion to being your best self. Devotion to your family. Devotion to your community and helping your neighbors.
And when it’s time to stand up and flex, a true man does so in response to bullies, not to be one.
What Makes a Man?
The young David defeated a giant not with size, but with soul. Simeon waited for God with patience, not posture. And Jesus wept, washed feet, and welcomed children—not as footnotes to his manhood, but as expressions of it.
If we are going to raise a generation of men who are whole, we must stop exalting the false trinity of control, conquest, and concealment. We must teach that masculinity is not a performance of power, but a practice of presence.
Let’s tell our sons that strength includes stillness, that provision means emotional labor, and that protecting others sometimes looks like taking a knee, offering a shoulder, or staying in the conversation when silence would be easier.
Let’s say clearly:
You can write poetry and still be a man.
You can be gay or bi or trans and still be a man.
You can prefer books to ballgames and still be a man.
You can be nurturing, anxious, quiet, flamboyant, healing from trauma—and still be a man.
The Spiritual Path of Masculinity
In the New Thought tradition, we affirm that each person is a divine idea in the Mind of God, imbued with infinite potential, including the potential to redefine what strength means. But masculinity must evolve. Not by throwing it away—but by transmuting it, spiritualizing it, bringing it back into sacred alignment.
We need a masculinity that:
Honors humility over hubris
Builds relationships instead of reputations
Practices compassion over conquest
A masculinity that no longer asks men to hide their pain but to heal it, that doesn’t send boys into adulthood with armor strapped to their chests and shame buried in their hearts.
Father’s Day: A Call to Soul
“My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.” - Desmond Tutu
This Father’s Day, I honor the fathers and father-figures who have chosen presence over performance. I honor the men who are breaking the cycle. I honor the boys who are learning they are enough without the need to prove it. And I mourn for all the men who were never allowed to be whole.
bell hooks reminds us that the work of liberation is not just for the oppressed—it’s also for those trained to oppress themselves by cutting off their emotional lives in the name of masculinity.
Let this be the generation that heals.
Reflection Questions
What definitions of masculinity did I inherit that no longer serve me?
What does sacred masculinity look like in me—or around me—today?
How can I help create space for boys and men to be whole?
Resources
Rev. David Alexander D.D. is the spiritual director of the of Spiritual Living Center of Atlanta, author of Freedom from Discord: The Promise of New Thought Liberation Theology and Recovery from the Lie of Whiteness. David writes a monthly column, Philosophy In Action in Science of Mind Magazine.
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Excellent insight!
Beautiful and powerful. Thank you.